Best Present Ever

My daughter certainly outdid herself this holiday.

When my hubbie and I were in college 27 years ago, we studied (and I use the term loosely) for the Fall semester at King Alfred’s College in Winchester, England, about an hour south of London. She just returned from almost the same experience, but she attended St Mary’s University College in Twickenham.

The week before she came home, she took a day trip to Winchester and saw where we lived for those months we still talk and reminisce about. She ate at our favorite pub, wandered around town, and took some pictures. But what she didn’t tell us was that she went into the King Alfred’s bookstore looking for some trinkets or memorabilia for us. She and the clerk started chatting and she told him her story, and it turned out to be a guy we went to school with there! Pictures and hilarity ensued and he showed her this book about the history of Winchester written by one of our professors! So she bought the book and went over to the college to try and track him down. People were scurrying around trying to find this guy so he could sign her book. Finally, they told her they couldn’t find him AND HE WALKED IN THE DOOR! He doesn’t teach there anymore but does occasional student advising. He’s rarely on campus anymore. So he signed her book, and more pictures and hilarity ensued.

Can you believe that?! She knew she couldn’t post any pictures on Facebook or say anything to any of us until we opened the gift on Christmas morning, so as she’s walking to the train station to leave Winchester she had to ask a lady for directions. Apparently it was complicated, so the lady just offered to walk her there. As they’re walking, my daughter, bursting at the seams to talk about her day, said, “Can I tell you something really fabulous and amazing?” And in that polite British way, the lady allowed her to tell the entire story. She agreed it was pretty amazing.

She also gave her 16-year-old brother his most thoughtful gift — probably ever! Before she even left for England in September, she took an old stuffed monkey of his. Then when she was out-and-about in her travels, she took a photo of the monkey at different landmarks and made a Monopoly board — sorry, Monkey-opoly board — for him out of the photographs. For the “Go To Gaol” space she got a security guard at the British Museum or somewhere to hold the monkey in one hand and pretend to send him to jail. For the “chance” spaces she put the monkey on the “Mamma Mia” sign in front of the theatre. He didn’t understand the connection, so she had to explain that one of the songs has the lyric “take a chance on me.” Which he didn’t REALLY get until he heard me play Abba’s Greatest Hits CD over and over and over and over and over and over … well, you get it … on Christmas.

We actually played Monkey-opoly the other night, but she realized she didn’t label the property squares. She didn’t think she needed to, but saw we had trouble figuring out whether we were buying and building hotels on St-Martins-in-the-Field or the National Portrait Gallery.

Very clever, my girl, but she’s really going to have to conjure up some magic next year to top this one! And, of course, she puts us all to shame.

What was your most thoughtful gift, given or received?

The Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the yard
The snow covered the ground like an icy cold girdle.
Alone at her desk missing kittens that purrdle
Becky made you a gift — A Christmas-y wordle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s why I don’t call myself a poet. But it’s the thought that counts, eh?

Wishing Joy, Peace, Laughter and Bad Rhyme to you and yours from Beckyland this holiday season!

oxox

Becky

Guess The Carol

Guess the five Christmas carols represented by the following wordles. No prizes, no glory … just a bit of holiday fun.

I wonder what my synesthetic friends think about these wordles. Are they annoying because the colors are all wrong?

Number One ….

Number Two …

Number Three …

Number Four …

Number Five …

Answers in the first comment.

My Dad’s Christmas List

My Dad only wants one thing for Christmas … to become your benevolent dictator with wicked awesome powers. Here’s his platform, even though dictators don’t really need one. I guess that’s why he’s benevolent.

• Mistreatment of women, children, or pets will result in a painful, itchy rash that will last for two years at which time your skin will turn green.

• Term limits for every political office. Eight years, then OUT. Out of Washington, out of politics, back home where you will live like the rest of us with the laws you wrote.

• If you don’t use your turn indicators, your engine will die in the middle of the turn and won’t restart for forty-five minutes.

• Tobacco, marijuana, and Brussels sprouts plants will get blight and become extinct.

• No more political campaigns. Elections will be by lottery. Every citizen’s name is in the hat. Draw your name and you are the President, congressmen, city council, or whatever. Except for lawyers. They are ineligible. You will serve for eight years, then OUT. If you haven’t stolen enough by then, you just weren’t trying.

• Chocolate will taste as sweet but will have no calories.

• Salt, sugar and trans fats will be discovered to cure cancer if taken in sufficient amounts.

• Anyone can serve in the military but only men over fifty can go into harms way. Walkers, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks and no exemptions.

So, would you vote him in as Benevolent Dictator? Got any Dictatoristic advice for him?

None Of That Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy ‘friendship’ poems and cards?

Me too.

Here are the greeting cards I want to see.

• When you’re sad — I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• When you’re blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

• When you smile — I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

• When you’re scared — we will high tail it out of there.

• When you’re worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

• When you’re confused — I will use little words.

• When you’re sick — Stay away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

• When you fall — I’ll pick you up and dust you off … after I laugh my butt off!!

Someone really smart said, “Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth.”

I won’t tell you to forward this to ten of your BFFs because I don’t want you getting depressed because you only have four.

You’re welcome.

What greeting cards would you like to see?

Santa … The Truth Is Out There

In an effort to dispel certain myths once and for all, my colleagues at the Institute (also known as “internet forwards”) have completed their exhaustive inquiry into the existence of the elusive, yet always jolly, Santa.

No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has seen.

There are two billion people under the age of 18 in the world. Since Santa doesn’t appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total, or 378 million.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west, which seems logical to us at the Institute. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set, the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa who is invariably described as overweight. Conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 lbs. Even granting the “flying reindeer” could pull ten times the normal amount, we would need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload to 353,430 tons.

353,430 tons traveling at 650 mps creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously.

Hmmmm.

But remember kids, when you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting underwear for Christmas.

Where’s the most interesting place you’ve seen Santa?

More Phunny Photos

My daughter’s photos from London crack me up.

Enigmatic.

Enigmatic, deux.

Watch out for elderly people looking for coins on the street.

They’re really strict.

Surprise, alarm, caution or excitement.

Dead Slow Hoot. The name of my new band.

The stupidest place to put a street sign.

Their feet have melted together. Do not buy these shoes.

They are strict, but at least they tell you why.

Which was your favorite?

Instant Spanish

I had a craving for chocolate Malt-O-Meal the other day. Hadn’t had it in awhile so I read the directions and started puttering around anticipating my culinary delight. After I gathered a bowl and a spoon and made a pot of coffee, I was ready. I went back to the box to put a serving together, but this time read the Spanish directions by mistake.

For a moment — but longer than you’d expect — I thought I had mysteriously learned Spanish in my sleep.

In my defense, it was early in the morning. Before I had my coffee.

It reminded me of a married friend who went home for lunch one day instead of eating at work. He ate his lunch, tidied up, then went back to work. Later that afternoon he got a frantic call from his wife who said, “Somebody broke into the house and cleaned the kitchen!”

To her, it was the only logical explanation as to why the kitchen she left messy was magically clean when she got home.

Have you ever had moments where you absolutely believed something completely illogical?

Tuba Christmas

If you’ve ever attended TubaChristmas, I’m convinced you’ll get a higher place in heaven. But not if you only go to the ones staged in Phoenix or Honolulu, or worse yet, indoors. Those are fun in their own way, but they won’t give you any kind of tuba cred.

TubaChristmas is an event best served cold. Very cold. Like it was yesterday in Denver. An outdoor concert in 7° — yes, that’s seven freakin degrees. Standing in snow. In the middle of the day. In the sunshine.

For those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of living in America’s icebox, that’s like filling your Jacuzzi with ice and jumping in. For two hours. That’s like sunbathing on an ice floe all afternoon. That’s like being buried alive in a vat of Ben & Jerry’s that you can’t even eat because your lips don’t work.

Here’s me with my lips not working.

Here’s part of the raucous holiday audience, full of good TubaCheer.

TubaChristmas was conceived in 1974 as a tribute to the late artist and teacher William J. Bell, born on Christmas Day, 1902. The first TubaChristmas was held in New York City’s Rockefeller Plaza Ice Rink on Sunday, December 22, 1974.

Traditional Christmas music performed at the first TubaChristmas was arranged by American composer Alec Wilder who ironically died on Christmas Eve, 1980. Wilder was a loyal supporter of every effort to improve the literature and public image of tubas and euphoniums and composed many solo and ensemble pieces for them. Tuba players love TubaChristmas because it’s the only time they ever get to play the melody. Ever.

Yesterday’s performance in Denver had about 150 hardy souls playing tubas, euphoniums, baritones and sousaphones. The youngest performer was 8

and the oldest was 88.

The guy behind him in the green got my vote for best costume — red pants, a green velvet Revolutionary war jacket and matching Santa hat.

If the weather would have been about twenty degrees warmer — up to a balmy 30° — at least 100 more performers would have been there. Probably more. Tuba players don’t get much opportunity to perform, singly or in tuba ensembles, so it takes a lot to keep them away.

They come from everywhere —schools, colleges, the community — for a two-hour rehearsal and then the concert.

I was fairly certain neither my camera nor my hands would work too well to videotape outside, so I shot a bit of the warm indoor rehearsal. As it turned out, tubas don’t work so well in cold temps either. Their valves freeze. At any given time during the concert, half the performers were in the neighboring coffee shops and businesses trying to thaw their instruments. They’d come back, and others would take their places to thaw in the indoor warmth. Out of 17 songs on the program, my sons played about four. My oldest told me that after one thaw, he was only out for a few seconds before he froze again. He also said it was the best TubaChristmas he’d ever been to. Tuba players are a resilient lot, and if they were frozen, they’d sing their parts. It is a group effort, after all.

So, here, for your holiday entertainment, melodious tubas in full force during rehearsal with completely warm instruments.

If you want to experience TubaChristmas for yourself, find one close to you, this year or next. They hold them every year and, in Denver at least, they never cancel because of weather. So bundle up and bring a thermos of something warm. Maybe TubaNog. Or Flaming TubaPunch.

Merry TubaChristmas!

Have you ever watched or performed TubaChristmas?

Advice From My Christmas Decorations

• Hang around those who are different — you never know who you’ll meet.
• Just because someone is shinier than you doesn’t make them better.
• If you fall, you might break.
• Even though sometimes you’re left in storage, it doesn’t mean your time won’t come again soon.
• Whether you’re hung one strand at a time or clumped together, it’s always a group effort.
• Lights that blink too fast can give a mighty headache. Slow down!
• If you’re all tangled up you’re of no use to anyone.
• It’s bad enough there was no room at the inn. Don’t make it worse by excluding from the creche as well. Who said there couldn’t be parrots or giraffes or even a bachelor uncle or two?
• There are worse things you can do than hang out on your front porch wearing a red bow.
• If you have to climb up on your roof in the snow and ice, at least make sure you’re lit.

What do your decorations say to you?